If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
