I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
