I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
