I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
