Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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