Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
