He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
