i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
