Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
