Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
