I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
