I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
