Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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