I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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