i was born a porn star she said
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
