so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
