When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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