So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
