Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
