I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
