thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
