I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
