true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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