If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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