She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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