mondays should just be called national damage control day
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
