just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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