I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
