your room smells of hookers.
And success
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
