We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
