I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
