The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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