If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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