I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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