I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
