Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
