Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Randomize
