Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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