just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
