the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
