Please, let me fuck your mom
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
