My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
