8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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