i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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