I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
