I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
