what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
