Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
