he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
