I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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